What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
