Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
