Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
