Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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