Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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