swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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