You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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