The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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