so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
