There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
