I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I puked a lego.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
