dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
