i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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