I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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