You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
