Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
