Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
