I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
