nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
