i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
