Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
