I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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