I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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