how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
