Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
