Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
