at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
