Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
