do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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