I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
