How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
