i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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