He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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