he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
