OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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