I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
