Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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