He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
