I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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