You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
