I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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