So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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