This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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