a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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