She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need to align my fucking chakras
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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