I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
