I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
