Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize