so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
