I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
