I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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