I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize