Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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