Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
