I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
