I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
