farters have to be the big spoon...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
