ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize