My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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