party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
