Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
