stop calling my apartment porn island.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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